Limousine Confidential
Summer 2007
While most of the clients that I deal with are of the VIP variety, some belong to an even rarer club still. This rarified air is the domain of those known as the VVIP. In other words, ‘don’t talk to us, we’ll talk to you’.
While trying his best to go incognito at the airport, our luminary was nevertheless spotted by a young, twenty-something woman. However, her disbelief was soon parlayed to his advantage when she stammered, ‘Are you…uh…’ ‘No’ came his reply, ‘but I get that often’. Dejected and turning to her friends she reported, ‘that guy is not even a celebrity!’
Upon loading our cargo into the limo, we weren’t even pulled away from the curb when I smelled the most potent, stinkiest herb I’ve ever had the occasion to be around. It turns out that ol’ mild manners enjoys cigarettes with an herbal blend. With a contact high setting in and the munchies coming on strong, I started getting paranoid. Since I’ve always had a reaction to that stuff, it was good the hotel was close by. When
we got there I kicked them out and bid them goodnight.
The next morning he and his assistant were feeling a little hungry and asked where they could grab some coffee and donuts. Fine pastries I asked? No. Gruel from 7-11 should be fine.
With a cup of 7-11’s best coffee in hand, we set out for our main destination. As we hit the open road out came the midday reefer; and Cheech and Chong again rumbled down the freeway. Nearing our rendezvous, they decided we had plenty of time so we pulled off the freeway to check out the backstreets. Immediately, the static on the radio began to crackle and hiss. ‘Hi, what’s your location?’ ‘We’re about twenty minutes
out.’ ‘Hmmm, well you have a drop time of right now.’ ‘Uh, we’re on our way.’ Our official escort had mentioned that she could ‘work with our schedule’. Now, she was doing just that.
We dropped at our ‘backstage’ entrance. It took no time to realize however, that having a limousine parked in front is far more interesting than having one parked in the back that nobody sees. I eased the car around the corner. The crowd was ecstatic but let down when they realized the car had been vacated just moments ago. Slick move. With no star-power present, the fans were still hungry to get a piece of the next best
thing- the chauffeur himself. A photo-op quickly ensued as fans took their pictures with me, his driver.
The events concluded after a few hours which left just enough time to hit up a major casino on the way home. He phoned in to establish a security detail but it sounded like the casino wasn’t buying it. Basically, there was no security detail. He said, ‘We’ll see how it goes.’ As no one noticed when he got out of the car, it looked like it was going alright.
After they were inside, I went to clean the car and immediately two things caught my attention. Neither bode well for a night of professional gambling though. The first was a book entitled ‘How to Not Lose at Gambling’. Uh, yeah, ok. The second was the rankings of poker hands from the least (high card) to the unbeatable (Royal Flush) which had quickly been sketched onto hotel stationary. In a nutshell, our man was a total
rookie. Who could argue then that inside the casino, he was surely going to get schooled.
When they came out I didn’t have the heart to ask how the pummeling went. I don’t know, but when you go into a game like that and aren’t even sure what constitutes a winning hand well, what kind of edge do you really have? They didn’t talk about the game on the way to the hotel.
After dropping them off I was given a handshake and a nice tip. I went to clean the car but to my surprise the hotel stationary with the poker hands was still in there. So too the ziplock baggie that had recently been holding the noonday stash.
I felt bad discarding such rare souvenirs so I decided to laminate the poker hands for my own games and keep the reefer baggie just for the hell of it. Occasionally, even I’ll admit, this job can be pretty cool.
